Waiting

I have started the process of getting insurance to pay for my surgery. I have completed the nutritional consultation and pschycoloigical exam. My insurance requires both. The next item on the checklist is a meeting with the surgeon, which will be in a couple of weeks.

I can not believe that I am actually working on being thin. In the past I have had some success with dieting and exercise. My greatest success came in Houston. I was 374 lbs at the time. I had moved from Washington State, and was ready for a change. "New town, new job and hopefully a new me," was my thinking. I went to 24 Hour Fitness (between my apartment and my job) and hired a personal trainer. At first it was like every other attempt I had made; no or minimal success. During that Christmas, I went to my mom’s and my sisters asked me to look into weight loss surgery. At the time I felt I would be a failure if it came to that.

Starting in January of 2002 I worked out hard and ate right. By May I was down to 290 lbs. from 374 in January. I was great by the end of Aug I was 274, a 100 pounds lighter. The success did not last. I was unable to keep shelling out $1000 a month on trainer and $300 a month on supplements. I moved to Vegas and the weight came back. It took most of two years but it almost all came back. Since then my weight has been as high as 360 and as low as 310, and then right back up.

I tell myself that my weight is not a factor to how I feel about me, but that is a lie. I hate the fact that I can not keep it off. I want to be healthy. I want to get on an airplane and not be terrified that I will not be able to fit, or the person next to me will be mortified that they have to sit next to the fat slob for the entire flight. There are numerous negative thoughts that run through my mind everyday. The positive thoughts are few. For so long, pretty much my whole life, I have only seen myself as fat, large, "husky". But then there are the times that I think that I can do this. That I will not be fat forever. The thoughts of being able to find clothes at a “normal store” are overwhelming. There is so much I am looking forward too. Bending over to tie my shoes on the top and not the side. Going to Lagoon and riding every ride. The most dominate positive thought is playing with my kids, not just playing but hiking, camping, backpacking, running, and being there for them for a long time.

I hope and pray that this surgery will come, and come fast. I want to beat this. I have told myself that my weight is not that bad, and it does not really affect who I am, but it does. I am one step closer.

Austin